The Anatomy of the Modern Christmas Song

Every year Megan and I make a Christmas mix, and over the years I've started to pick up some patterns. I've come to the conclusion that while I like Christmas songs on the whole (especially those booty-shakers by Sufjan Stevens), that the genre has really not developed at all since 1963 when Phil Spector released "A Christmas Gift For You" featuring Darlene Love, The Ronettes, bob B. Soxx and the Blue Jeans and The Crystals.

They might be playing old classics, or they might be writing new songs, but they all follow a pretty limited range of topics and styles.

For easy dissection of your Christmas music listening this year, I've broken them down into categories. There might be an mp3 example of these tracks listed below, I can't confirm that though...

Kiddie Songs
Let's just get this one out of the way. These take up the bulk of Christmas music out there, and I'm not actually talking about songs FOR kids, but songs about the childhood experience of Christmas performed by otherwise mature adults (Phil Spector being the exception, maturity-wise).
These are required on each and every Christmas album, and make up the bulk of the most irritating Christmas songs in the world. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," or "Santa Clause Is Coming to Town," or "Frosty The Snowman."
Though irritating, there are some great exceptions. Any of the above can be sung by The Ronettes without complaint from me. The Beach Boys have a nice song called "Santa's Beard" about the singer's little brother yanking the beard off a mall santa.
But this year I'd like to highlight Jack Johnson for turning a twist on "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer."
I love what Johnson does with this track, because the original assumes that all outcasts really want is to be accepted, even if they're accepted by the jerks that rejected them in the first place. Not Johnson's Rudolph.

Jack Johnson - Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer


I'm Coming Home Songs
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be home for Christmas. We get it. We've done it.
I don't even want to spend to much time on this category, because it's become so trite and cliched that I want to snap Bing Crosby's neck.
It's an overdone standard, whether it's by Crosby, Elvis, or whoever... The Squirrel Nut Zippers have an okay song called "I'm Coming Home for Christmas," but by and large this category of Christmas song is merely the scourge of mall music.
But this year I found a FAN-FRICKIN'-TASTIC track off a Christmas compilation called "This Warm December," a Brushfire Records mix.
Money Mark makes a great Christmas-themed song without any mention of Christmas. the only connection to the holiday is its inclusion on the album, but it fits the season thematically without making you want to pull your hair out. (Please don't. Bald isn't your look)

Money Mark - Stuck at the Airport

Dear Santa, I've got a gun to my head and I'll do it if you don't bring her back
I love this category. I'm not mean, or disturbed. I just like that it recognizes that for some people, or most people at some point, Christmas really isn't that fun.
If you're single, or living away from family, there's really nothing more depressing than being alone.
One classic is "Good Morning Blues," which gets props first for not having a Christmas theme in the title. It also gets props for really being a straight up blues song. There's no resolution, and when Ella Fitzgerald sings it (my favorite version) you know she's going to be unhappy this Christmas.
The Beach Boys turn their own category of song (the oh-I've-been-unfaithful-but-please-take-me-back) and garnishes it in red and green with their own "Merry Christmas, Baby."
This year The Raveonettes turned out a great track called "Come On Santa" that was less about bringing a loved one back, but just asking Santa to make the singer happy again.
But for this category, look no further than the Phil Spector-penned, Darlene Love-performed "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)."
Someday I'll sit down and make a top 10 Christmas tracks, and this will be high on the list for sure.

Darlene Love - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

Songs about, y'know, Jesus
This category is intentionally a few categories down on the list. Not because I've got any problem with babies or mangers. It's just representative of where this category really ranks in the world of Christmas music.
Take Phil Spector's album (not sure if you knew this, but I like that album): Track three we get a single mention of St. Mary, and the first acknowledgment that there's actually any religious significance to the holiday. That's the last mention of anything biblical until the last track, "Silent Night."
This is a good rule of thumb for Christmas albums: Stick with Santa and snow. Leave Jesus to the churches.
You can usually get away with one or two traditional carols on a Christmas album (that's what "Silent Night" is there for, but only at the end of the album), but four is pushing it.
This is because, really, no one wants to hear Ella Fitzgerald sing "The First Noel." Skip to "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" please.
The exception to this is musicians able to straddle their own artistry with religious sincerity. I am of course talking about Sufjan Stevens.
In his five (yes, FIVE) Christmas EPs, Stevens successfully sings about The Big J without making me wanting to hurl.
My favorite might be "I Saw Three Ships" which starts with a nice, steady folk rhythm, and breaks into a fantastic stomp at verse two as he sings "The Virgin Mary and Christ were there, on Christmas Day on Christmas Day."

Sufjan Stevens - I Saw Three Ships

I also want to give props to Feist this year (LOVE that girl) for a beautiful version of "Lo How A Rose Ere Blooming."

Feist - Lo How A Rose Ere Blooming

Hey it's Christmas, wanna hook up?
Unfortunately this category is ruled these days by Mariah Carey, with her now-ubiquitous "All I Want For Christmas Is You."
I've got to give the star of "Glitter" a little credit here. I assumed this song came along before her time, but it's really her own track, and garnered enough attention to make her album the top-selling Christmas album of all time. Seriously. Look on your mom's CD shelf. She's got this CD.
That doesn't mean I don't snap every time I hear it (yeah, yeah, it's in "Love Actually" but by the time the song comes along you've had enough cheese that it doesn't really bug.)
But there's still some great tracks in this category. We've got Ella Fitzgerald's "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" or Julie London's sultry "I'd Like You For Christmas."
But I've gotta hand it to Carla Thomas for mastering this kind of Christmas song with "Gee Whiz, It's Christmas."
The song instantly captures holiday charm and teenage innocence as Thomas asks some guy to a Christmas party. The holiday theme is secondary here. The track is great because Thomas is absolutely precious as she sings "(And by the way), it's snowing."

Carla Thomas - Gee Whiz, It's Christmas

It's Christmas! Can't we get along?
See "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" and a smattering of other original tracks for this one. There's not too many classics here, mostly musicians decide to pen one single song for their album and make it about the so-called true meaning of Christmas. I believe 90 percent of these songs are flops.
The genre rarely works, in my opinion. Even "So This Is Christmas" comes off a little pointless considering it was recorded in 1971, and 37 years later we're in conflict in two different locations overseas.
The exception: The Ramones. There's really nothing to hate about "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight With You)."
It's the song that rings in my head whenever our Burkhalter clan slips midday into a minor tiff over some fairly pointless slight.

The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight With You)

It's a swingin' Christmas
This is the one category that doesn't require lyrics, but often they're related.
This is basically songs that either evoke through sound or lyrics some yuletide booty shaking.
We can thank Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" or Bobby Helms' "Jingle Bell Rock" for the category's popularity, but this genre reaches back into jazz and blues.
Song's like Louis Armstrong's "Cool Yule" or Louis Prima's "What Will Santa Claus Say (When He Finds Everybody Swinging)" really make this category great.
Props go out this year to The Puppini Sisters for making a fantastic version of "Jingle Bells" with this theme. The track opens with the creak of a front door and off-key chorus of carolers singing "Jingle Bells." Door slams, sound of a record scratching into play and they jump in with some Gene Krupa-style drumming before the Andrews Sisters-influenced trio jump into a great version of an otherwise overdone classic.
But I'm giving this category to Leadbelly, for "Christmas Is A-Comin'."

Leadbelly - Christmas Is A-Comin'

I hate, I repeat, HATE Christmas!
This is a category that cannot be ignored, because it's got some of the best Christmas songs out there.
For me, the category begins in the 1960s with single by punk-precursors The Sonics called "I Don't Believe In Santa Claus."
Every Christmas album should (they don't, but SHOULD) include a "Christmas Sucks" song.
I hate to rave on too much about Sufjan Stevens, but he's got this category cornered. How can you top titles like "Get Behind Me, Santa" and "Did I Make You Cry On Christmas Day (Well, You Deserved It!)."
My favorite though, and warning this is a damned depressing song, is "That Was The Worst Christmas Ever."

Sufjan Stevens - That Was The Worst Christmas Ever

I'm sure there's a few songs that don't fit into these categories, but they're few and far between (and probably by Run D.M.C.)

Enjoy these tracks and if you're in the northwest have a safe Christmas!