The Anatomy of the Modern Christmas Song

Every year Megan and I make a Christmas mix, and over the years I've started to pick up some patterns. I've come to the conclusion that while I like Christmas songs on the whole (especially those booty-shakers by Sufjan Stevens), that the genre has really not developed at all since 1963 when Phil Spector released "A Christmas Gift For You" featuring Darlene Love, The Ronettes, bob B. Soxx and the Blue Jeans and The Crystals.

They might be playing old classics, or they might be writing new songs, but they all follow a pretty limited range of topics and styles.

For easy dissection of your Christmas music listening this year, I've broken them down into categories. There might be an mp3 example of these tracks listed below, I can't confirm that though...

Kiddie Songs
Let's just get this one out of the way. These take up the bulk of Christmas music out there, and I'm not actually talking about songs FOR kids, but songs about the childhood experience of Christmas performed by otherwise mature adults (Phil Spector being the exception, maturity-wise).
These are required on each and every Christmas album, and make up the bulk of the most irritating Christmas songs in the world. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," or "Santa Clause Is Coming to Town," or "Frosty The Snowman."
Though irritating, there are some great exceptions. Any of the above can be sung by The Ronettes without complaint from me. The Beach Boys have a nice song called "Santa's Beard" about the singer's little brother yanking the beard off a mall santa.
But this year I'd like to highlight Jack Johnson for turning a twist on "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer."
I love what Johnson does with this track, because the original assumes that all outcasts really want is to be accepted, even if they're accepted by the jerks that rejected them in the first place. Not Johnson's Rudolph.

Jack Johnson - Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer


I'm Coming Home Songs
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be home for Christmas. We get it. We've done it.
I don't even want to spend to much time on this category, because it's become so trite and cliched that I want to snap Bing Crosby's neck.
It's an overdone standard, whether it's by Crosby, Elvis, or whoever... The Squirrel Nut Zippers have an okay song called "I'm Coming Home for Christmas," but by and large this category of Christmas song is merely the scourge of mall music.
But this year I found a FAN-FRICKIN'-TASTIC track off a Christmas compilation called "This Warm December," a Brushfire Records mix.
Money Mark makes a great Christmas-themed song without any mention of Christmas. the only connection to the holiday is its inclusion on the album, but it fits the season thematically without making you want to pull your hair out. (Please don't. Bald isn't your look)

Money Mark - Stuck at the Airport

Dear Santa, I've got a gun to my head and I'll do it if you don't bring her back
I love this category. I'm not mean, or disturbed. I just like that it recognizes that for some people, or most people at some point, Christmas really isn't that fun.
If you're single, or living away from family, there's really nothing more depressing than being alone.
One classic is "Good Morning Blues," which gets props first for not having a Christmas theme in the title. It also gets props for really being a straight up blues song. There's no resolution, and when Ella Fitzgerald sings it (my favorite version) you know she's going to be unhappy this Christmas.
The Beach Boys turn their own category of song (the oh-I've-been-unfaithful-but-please-take-me-back) and garnishes it in red and green with their own "Merry Christmas, Baby."
This year The Raveonettes turned out a great track called "Come On Santa" that was less about bringing a loved one back, but just asking Santa to make the singer happy again.
But for this category, look no further than the Phil Spector-penned, Darlene Love-performed "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)."
Someday I'll sit down and make a top 10 Christmas tracks, and this will be high on the list for sure.

Darlene Love - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

Songs about, y'know, Jesus
This category is intentionally a few categories down on the list. Not because I've got any problem with babies or mangers. It's just representative of where this category really ranks in the world of Christmas music.
Take Phil Spector's album (not sure if you knew this, but I like that album): Track three we get a single mention of St. Mary, and the first acknowledgment that there's actually any religious significance to the holiday. That's the last mention of anything biblical until the last track, "Silent Night."
This is a good rule of thumb for Christmas albums: Stick with Santa and snow. Leave Jesus to the churches.
You can usually get away with one or two traditional carols on a Christmas album (that's what "Silent Night" is there for, but only at the end of the album), but four is pushing it.
This is because, really, no one wants to hear Ella Fitzgerald sing "The First Noel." Skip to "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" please.
The exception to this is musicians able to straddle their own artistry with religious sincerity. I am of course talking about Sufjan Stevens.
In his five (yes, FIVE) Christmas EPs, Stevens successfully sings about The Big J without making me wanting to hurl.
My favorite might be "I Saw Three Ships" which starts with a nice, steady folk rhythm, and breaks into a fantastic stomp at verse two as he sings "The Virgin Mary and Christ were there, on Christmas Day on Christmas Day."

Sufjan Stevens - I Saw Three Ships

I also want to give props to Feist this year (LOVE that girl) for a beautiful version of "Lo How A Rose Ere Blooming."

Feist - Lo How A Rose Ere Blooming

Hey it's Christmas, wanna hook up?
Unfortunately this category is ruled these days by Mariah Carey, with her now-ubiquitous "All I Want For Christmas Is You."
I've got to give the star of "Glitter" a little credit here. I assumed this song came along before her time, but it's really her own track, and garnered enough attention to make her album the top-selling Christmas album of all time. Seriously. Look on your mom's CD shelf. She's got this CD.
That doesn't mean I don't snap every time I hear it (yeah, yeah, it's in "Love Actually" but by the time the song comes along you've had enough cheese that it doesn't really bug.)
But there's still some great tracks in this category. We've got Ella Fitzgerald's "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" or Julie London's sultry "I'd Like You For Christmas."
But I've gotta hand it to Carla Thomas for mastering this kind of Christmas song with "Gee Whiz, It's Christmas."
The song instantly captures holiday charm and teenage innocence as Thomas asks some guy to a Christmas party. The holiday theme is secondary here. The track is great because Thomas is absolutely precious as she sings "(And by the way), it's snowing."

Carla Thomas - Gee Whiz, It's Christmas

It's Christmas! Can't we get along?
See "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" and a smattering of other original tracks for this one. There's not too many classics here, mostly musicians decide to pen one single song for their album and make it about the so-called true meaning of Christmas. I believe 90 percent of these songs are flops.
The genre rarely works, in my opinion. Even "So This Is Christmas" comes off a little pointless considering it was recorded in 1971, and 37 years later we're in conflict in two different locations overseas.
The exception: The Ramones. There's really nothing to hate about "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight With You)."
It's the song that rings in my head whenever our Burkhalter clan slips midday into a minor tiff over some fairly pointless slight.

The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight With You)

It's a swingin' Christmas
This is the one category that doesn't require lyrics, but often they're related.
This is basically songs that either evoke through sound or lyrics some yuletide booty shaking.
We can thank Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" or Bobby Helms' "Jingle Bell Rock" for the category's popularity, but this genre reaches back into jazz and blues.
Song's like Louis Armstrong's "Cool Yule" or Louis Prima's "What Will Santa Claus Say (When He Finds Everybody Swinging)" really make this category great.
Props go out this year to The Puppini Sisters for making a fantastic version of "Jingle Bells" with this theme. The track opens with the creak of a front door and off-key chorus of carolers singing "Jingle Bells." Door slams, sound of a record scratching into play and they jump in with some Gene Krupa-style drumming before the Andrews Sisters-influenced trio jump into a great version of an otherwise overdone classic.
But I'm giving this category to Leadbelly, for "Christmas Is A-Comin'."

Leadbelly - Christmas Is A-Comin'

I hate, I repeat, HATE Christmas!
This is a category that cannot be ignored, because it's got some of the best Christmas songs out there.
For me, the category begins in the 1960s with single by punk-precursors The Sonics called "I Don't Believe In Santa Claus."
Every Christmas album should (they don't, but SHOULD) include a "Christmas Sucks" song.
I hate to rave on too much about Sufjan Stevens, but he's got this category cornered. How can you top titles like "Get Behind Me, Santa" and "Did I Make You Cry On Christmas Day (Well, You Deserved It!)."
My favorite though, and warning this is a damned depressing song, is "That Was The Worst Christmas Ever."

Sufjan Stevens - That Was The Worst Christmas Ever

I'm sure there's a few songs that don't fit into these categories, but they're few and far between (and probably by Run D.M.C.)

Enjoy these tracks and if you're in the northwest have a safe Christmas!

Worst. News. EVER!

I'm not talking about the poor state of our economy. Or the two feet of snow that dropped on Mount Vernon last night. I am of course speaking of the recently exposed news about Jodie Sweetin (a.k.a. Stephanie Tanner of Full House) who has recently fallen back into her past addictions.

Whether it's the alcohol she claims or the methamphetamine her husband (soon to be ex?) claims, I'm hurt. Just six months ago I was happily curled up at home reading my copy of people with the headline "Jodie Sweetin: From Meth Addict To Mom."

What's the headline now Jodie? "Jodie Sweetin: From Meth Addict To Mom To Meth Addict Again"???

What would Danny Tanner say? What would Uncle Jesse say? And what, I ask you, WHAT would Mr. Bear say to this?

This really tops that time you drove Joey's red convertible into the kitchen.

There's really only one thing I can say to the grief I'm feeling with this sad state of affairs:

How rude!

"Listening to" update

Oh SNAP! Is he actually updating his "Listening To" section less than six months after the last update? Well, I've been consuming a lot of music lately, plus Photobucket yanked an image I had posted over there from my last update. Turns out the cover of this album by Lambchop violates the site's policies. I was fully aware the figures on the album were in fact nude, but for some reason it being a painting it never struck me as something inappropriate. But that's just me.

Let's get to it. As usual, header links lead to a sampling of some sort (usually a music video on YouTube) where you can legally enjoy the music.

Fiona Apple - Tidal
Okay, yeah this album is like, 12 years old now. But earlier this week I was once again enjoying all the glory that is Pandora. For those not familiar, you can select an artist (like, say, Regina Spektor in this case) and the site starts streaming full tracks of that artist and similar artists. You give each the thumbs-up or -down and it makes changes based on your preferences.

Ol' Fiona popped up on my now-saved Regina station. Nostalgia central kicked in, and I suddenly needed Tidal again, just cuz I lost it when I got rid of my cassette tapes. To me, the album stands the test of time. I'll admit the "The First Taste" sounds a little canned still, but tracks like "Sleep To Dream" (linked video above), "Shadowboxer" and "Criminal" are still really great.

I'll spare you the long-told "Your Mom" joke us young-uns used to make based on "Criminal." You're better off without it.

Final Fantasy - Plays to Please
I couldn't find a proper sample of the new album, so you're just going to have to take my word for it. The sample I did find is far and away the reason I adore Owen Pallett's ridiculously named musical project. (seriously, if you haven't heard me say this before, I hate the name "Final Fantasy")

But teasing aside (I've teased poor Pallett enough already), I am honestly a little mixed about this album. It's not as instantly appealing as the minimal but still poppy debut Has A Good Home and the entirely winsome, lush (yet also ridiculously titled) He Poos Clouds.

As this one opens up, I wonder if Pallett is trying to record for a musical about an all-women's prison.

It's lush, much like Poos, but the full orchestra, occasional ragtime rhythms and discordant upbeatness all just leave me feeling a little gummy. But that's just one single listen in. I intend to give it a few more spins before casting too harsh a judgment.

Adele - 19
What is it about soul singers hailing from the British Isles? But I've once again added Adele to the growing list (see Amy Winhouse, Duffy and, well, just look at Alice Russel below) of those British singers who have more in common with Aretha Franklin than they do Queen Elizabeth.

Adele is probably the most subdued in the "soul"-ness of it all. The singing style is their, but her compositions are often a little folkier, take the opening track "Daydreamer."

Alice Russell - Pot of Gold
What is it about soul singers hailing from the British Isles? Whoa. Weird sense of de ja vu.

Actually this might be one of my favorite albums of the year so far. Take the beautiful, steady and sultry track listed above. Can't help but love it.

But what sucked me in - a fantastic cover of Gnarls Barkley's now-legendary "Crazy." Maybe I overstate that song a bit, but I've been amazed by the number of times I've heard this track covered, and it's only three or four years old. Russell's version is great - slow, smooth and restrained.

Stars - Set Yourself on Fire
So yeah, they've had a new album come out since this one was released, but I'm a little slow on the uptake these days.

I nabbed a few tracks off eMusic a long long while ago, and never got around to listening to them. Then an odd appearance of "Your Ex-Love Is Dead" on Degrassi: The Next Generation reminded me I really wanted to go check them out. It probably helped that they played the track when Darcy broke up with that jerk-head Spinner (again) for sleeping with some girl thus breaking his vow of abstinence (again).

I think I like Stars because they remind me a little bit of The Rentals, a short-lived but once again reunited spin-off of Weezer and that dog (happy, Chris?) that brought us the flash-pan hit Friends of P.

Really, I was destined to like the Stars. Let's review: Played in Degrassi, reminds me of bands featuring Petra Haden, orchestral backing. What, I ask you, is not to love.

The Gospel According To "What Not To Wear"

I left a comment related to this post on Brett's blog and realized I wanted to write more about it. So here goes:

Megan and I are living in different places during the week while she finishes one more year at her high school and I have my first year (and hopefully more *fingers crossed*) at the Skagit Valley Herald.

On the weekends I drive down to be with Megan in Renton, I already know what we'll be doing for the evening: Back-to-back episodes of "What Not To Wear."

It might well be the only TLC show we both enjoy. TLC typically incites a rage within me that often takes people off guard. I'm not against home decoration. I am against painting someone's living room black with black trimming just because you want to do something funky. (I'm lookin' at you, "Trading Spaces.")

But "What Not To Wear" strikes a much different chord with me, because it's helping people present themselves to the world in a better way, and connects the participants with a spiritual or psychological part of themselves they've been neglecting.

Allow me to explain: Last night they grabbed a woman who works in criminal justice who pretty much wears running pants, a t-shirt and a hat all of the time. To work, at home, to a museum. Always. But when they showed up she immediately broke into tears and started talking about how she wears the clothes to hide herself.

Maybe it sounds a little trite, but her story is similar to everyone else that appears on the show. Ultimately what they end up wearing magnifies on part of their personality (in this woman's case her mousiness) and hides another authentic part of their selves.

While going through some basic fashion tips, learning how to dress and so forth, it really does take the participant on an almost spiritual journey into how they present themselves and what their clothes communicates.

I'm no fashionista (though I am often jealous of Trent's stylin' duds) but I love seeing people take that important spiritual step of caring for their selves and treating their selves as worth caring for them.

Because to me spiritual health begins with the self. It's great to head out in the world and do great work, help the helpless yadda yadda yadda... but it doesn't really work if you haven't taken care of yourself first.

I hope I don't sound preachy. It's only because I went down that road, majoring in psychology to go out in the world and make everyone happy, only to realize I was miserable and couldn't do it. I think it's why I get such an emotional reaction to the most emotional people on the show.

I don't have a snappy wrap-up to this post. I just like that show.